The Hedge Before Christmas
by Chris Gammon
Summary: RJ introduces the family to the wonders of Christmas, the holiday they always hibernated though. Verne feels RJ is being too materialisitc, and RJ has to confront his past to ensure his place in the future.
1. Christmas 101

Winter. It was one of those inevitable seasons that only a few people liked. The snow made it difficult to travel, and in some cases even leave the house. The weather made driving conditions terrible. And the cold had the amazing ability to make people sick on a whim. The wind had a serious bite to it as well.  
All of this was new to the animals of the hedge, as they were usually hibernating by now, ignoring the changing weather and the toil of the humans as they struggled to adjust. What were they doing awake so late in the winter anyway?   
It all began a few weeks ago, when RJ and the others were watching television. Even back then, it was showing Christmas programming and toy commercials like it was the last day on earth to do so.

"Man I love Christmas. Don't you guys?" RJ asked, looking at everyone else scattered around the viewing area.   
"We really don't know what Christmas is like," Heather admitted. "We're hibernating when it happens."   
"You don't know Christmas?" RJ asked, standing in his chair like someone just jabbed his rear with a tack.   
"We know what Christmas is," Verne spoke up. "They start talking about it in July, put decorations up in November, and hurry to get shopping done the day before. It's all like one big commercial to me." RJ hopped out of his chair and walked to the middle of the clearing so everyone could see him. He cleared his throat.   
"This year, we're not going to hibernate!" RJ announced, drawing slight mummers of protest from the crowd. "That's right! Screw hibernation!" RJ was never one to hibernate anyway. Being a nomad and not a forager gave him those privileges. Sure everyone else would wake up just enough to eat a little something then go back to sleep. But when RJ woke up, he would be up for hours on end, watching television, looking at the stars, or just gathering more food to make their job easier next year. He also thought it odd that red squirrels, opossums, and skunks don't hibernate. Probably a habit they formed over the course of being with the family.   
RJ looked at everyone's surprised faces and continued. "Look, I may not be with my family anymore," he said, placing a hand over his heart as if that sentence caused him pain. "But I'll be damned if I'm going to let my new family, the ones so who so kindly took me in when I was down on my luck, _not_ experience the joy of Christmas!"  
Hammy's look suggested he was on board with the idea, but everyone else, especially Verne, seemed skeptical.  
"Just bare with me, and I'll show you what this holiday is all about!"

Of course there was more to this than just hearty thanks. Verne knew all to well that RJ was up to something, but what?   
RJ, on the other hand, was busy proving Verne right. He was being extra joyous to try and compensate for something, but for what remained to be certain. It seems as if he was hiding a whole other side of himself.  
Verne figured that RJ would open up soon enough.

"The first thing we need, is a Christmas Tree. Humans usually go out and cut down a real tree, while others use ones made of plastic pine needles. They then cover it with flammable fake snow, twinkling lights, and a star or angel at the top!" RJ had a picture book of Christmas, turned to a page that displayed a drawing of a couple of kids sitting in front of a magnificent tree.   
The raccoon soon set about house raiding, gathering various ornaments. He managed to get lucky enough to pull a string of lights down off the roof of a nearby house. All he needed now was a cord long enough to pirate power to them. He was going all out to decorate the perfect tree he found near the clearing. The right shape, the right height to put a star on top.  
RJ slapped his forehead. _Of course! I need a star!_  
Then there was also the matter of putting presents underneath it for the family, which was next on his list when no one was around. He knew Verne would probably try to hibernate out of protest, and the others would surely follow. But Hammy seemed to like RJ's idea, and RJ didn't want to ruin the magic of Christmas for his innocent little friend.  
Though it was hard to explain, he and Hammy shown a love for each other, but not in the way everyone thought. It was like a deeply rooted respect and appreciation more than a romantic fling.  
Using his many skills from the past, he managed to jimmy open a window and slip in unnoticed. He'd gotten pretty good at knowing when certain humans weren't home, except those that either had an erratic schedule, those that worked from home, or those that just had a day off work and come in way earlier than RJ had expected. Fortunately this was none of those times. There, standing before him, was a beautiful tree, decorated to the nines. Just like the tree he was planning to make for his own family. He could smell the peppermint from the candy canes hanging off random branches, and couldn't help but to see if the popcorn on the string was fresh.  
It wasn't, and RJ spat it out, wiping his tongue with disgust. He finally made his was to the top where he was greeted by a shimmering star. RJ had heard, either from television or the humans themselves, that the star on top was part of the "true meaning of Christmas" in which it represented "The Star of Bethlehem". RJ wasn't too clear on how the real story of Christmas went, but learned over the years that a lot of humans take it very seriously.  
He reached out, trying not to fall off the tree, and grabbed the star with a shaky paw.   
Upon returning though the hedge to the log, RJ found Ozzie was entertaining the three porcupine cubs and Hammy with one of the many Christmas books he had managed to gather to better enlighten them to the holiday they always slept through. Ozzie waved to RJ, who waved back.  
"Hey, RJ!" Verne called, approaching the raccoon with a list clutched in his hand. "I read through one of those books and figured that if you're so intent on doing this 'right', you need a Christmas dinner."  
RJ bit his tongue trying to resist the urge to tell Verne the real reason he wanted everyone to celebrate. As RJ tried to sort these foreign feelings, he failed to notice Verne was staring at him with concern.  
"RJ, are you okay?" he finally asked.  
"Huh?" he snapped his gaze towards Verne. "Oh yeah. Yeah! I'm fine…just, stressing about the holidays like the humans do, ya know?" he let out a coarse, almost forced chuckle.  
Verne eyed the nervous raccoon for a moment longer, then nodded and walked off, leaving the list of dinner supplies with RJ. RJ looked over the list, and saw a lot of familiar things mingling with new items that he never thought of taking before.

It took nearly all night, but RJ managed to get a few hours sleep before everyone else woke up. He could hear their mummers of excitement as they found his first of many surprises. RJ climbed out of his chair and stretched, popping his back a few times before he finally sighed in relief. He causally strolled up to the others, gathered in front of the tree that RJ had decorated. He remembered various ideas from the trees he'd seen around the neighborhood, and combined the best ones into what everyone was now looking at in awe.  
What was once a lonely tree, was now the center of attention, its decorations rivaling anything else in the area. Lights glinted, tinsel shimmered, the star, it was so brilliant it nearly outshone the whole tree.  
"Where did this come from?" Heather asked, gasping in awe. She looked over to see Ozzie had played dead in the excitement.  
"I dunno, magic I guess." RJ said with a sly wink.  
"It's so pretty! Can I have a Candy Cane, RJ? Please?" Hammy begged.  
"Sure! Everyone can have one!" RJ announced.  
As everyone clamored for a peppermint treat, RJ cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. They turned and looked up at their holiday bringer, all with mouths full of Candy Cane.  
"This is only phase one! This tree is what the humans use as a signal of sorts to call a man they call 'Santa Clause' to come into their house at night and leave their greatest desires!"  
Verne stepped forward in protest. "I've heard that story too RJ, and that's not how it goes! Santa only leaves things for the people who have been good! It's more like a reward system really…"  
"You mean bribery." RJ retorted with a snicker.  
"Sandy Claws?! Sounds scary!" Hammy bolted towards RJ and clutched his leg, being inadvertently drug across the grass as RJ tried to walk.  
"He's not scary Hammy! He gives you stuff!" RJ tried to console the squirrel.  
"No he doesn't! Christmas is about family and being together! Not about material possessions and getting everything you want!" Verne protested.  
RJ only shook his head. "Someone's being a Scrooge." He muttered.  
"ME?!" Verne asked, taken aback by the remark. "You're the one who thinks Christmas is all about greed and toy companies!"  
Ozzie took the liberty to step in between the two. Verne with an angered look, RJ with Hammy still clutched to his leg more scared of the fighting than the man with the claws now.  
"Let's just let bygones be bygones!" Ozzie looked at Verne. "If you think that's what Christmas is all about, then why ruin it by trying to convert RJ? You know he's as stubborn as you are." He gave Verne a playful nudge.  
Verne glanced away from Ozzie to see RJ nodding his head in agreement, knowing that he won this day.  
"Fine." Verne finally gave in after seeing Hammy shivering, clinging to RJ's leg like a monster was before him. Verne would play along, but he wouldn't like it.  
"Then it's settled!" RJ spoke up, picking Hammy off the ground and holding him around his shoulders. "We've got some Christmas shopping to do!"


	2. The First Of Many

The morning went off without a hitch, as they mostly began gathering the various items on the food list. RJ figured they were ahead of schedule enough to let everyone go find something for someone else. It was decided before they left that everyone would pick one person to give a gift too, and if they wanted to give anyone else one, they could. This made more sense than dragging around 144 different things, twelve items from each of twelve people.  
RJ of course, already picked out Hammy, as he had some stuff stashed away for such an occasion that he knew he would like.  
Verne waited patiently for the others to return from their burglary. Stealing food for survival he could understand. But when it escalated to clothing, household objects, and finally appliances and electronics, Verne didn't want to be a part of it anymore. He vaguely found himself wondering if RJ would ever try to steal a car from the humans.  
"I wonder what it is you found for me." Verne could hear a familiar German accent approaching.  
"Now Tiger, if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise!" Stella said coyly, swishing her tail.  
After they passed by, he heard another voice, this time from a human. He was about to give the warning signal to get out of there when he realized she was distracted on the phone.  
Verne listened intently, not being able to stand seeing anyone else upset. A part of him wanted to go help, but that would compromise everything.  
"So, you're saying I'm fired?!" the human asked dumbfounded. "It's Christmas! I've got a family to support!"  
Verne saw she was on the verge of tears. She hung up the phone and turned to her little daughter who also looked as if she was ready to cry.  
"I'm sorry honey, but it looks like no toys this year from Santa." The woman said, on the verge of a breakdown.  
"It's okay Mommy." The girl said, surprisingly taking the news well. "As long as Daddy's coming home we'll be happy!" she perked up, cheering her mom up as well.  
Verne was moved by the scene playing out before him. This, he knew, was what Christmas was really about.  
"Verne? Yoo-hoo! Verno?" a voice snapped Verne from his thoughts. He turned to see a pile of food talking to him.  
RJ peaked around the load before him, "Help me load this stuff in the wagon, would ya?"  
Verne sighed. "RJ, I don't think we should…"  
"You're right!" RJ cut in. "_You_ should load it in while I go get more!"  
"That's not what I…:"  
Verne looked at the pile before his feet, the raccoon carrying it had now vanished.  
With a sigh, he began picking up the items, finding himself glancing over at the mother and daughter hugging.

Later, at the log, Verne confronted RJ.  
"In case you didn't know, I felt bad about taking that stuff." Verne finally spoke.  
RJ glanced up at Verne, trying to hide his golf bag and what he had hidden inside it.  
"Really? I don't know why! It was a good haul!" RJ said with a slight smile, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Anything to divert attention from the bag.  
"That human just lost her job. She seemed really upset and then we go and steal from her! It just isn't right!" Verne protested, failing to see Hammy creep up behind RJ and slide the golf bag away silently. RJ flashed a thumbs up before turning back to Verne, faking a cough to explain his actions.  
"Look, if the spirit of Christmas really is as powerful as you say it is, then why does it matter?" RJ asked, turning and walking towards his chair. Verne followed closely, explaining his opinions.  
"Just because I said the spirit of Christmas is about friends and family, and not material goods, didn't mean that I gave you permission to steal from the humans!"  
RJ turned on the TV, acting as if he was ignoring the turtle.  
"You really are the devil! I've said it before and I'll say it again!" Verne concluded.  
"SHHHH! SpongeBob is bringing Christmas to his town!" RJ said, waving a paw to shoo the turtle away.  
Verne sighed, defeated. He walked off.  
RJ watched out of the corner of his eye until Verne was completely gone, then gave the signal. His golf bag instantly fell into his lap, dumping out a couple cans of Turtle Wax in the process.  
"That was a close one! Verne almost ruined his surprise!" RJ sighed. He craned his neck to look up and wave at Hammy, who was the one who dropped the bag down.  
Hammy gave thumbs up, and sped off.  
RJ honestly had no idea what Verne was talking about. How could he feel bad for something he never experienced himself? Before he had to go and take care of himself, RJ was accustomed to having things handed to him. After his parents died, he got better at getting whatever he wanted, no matter what the cost.  
Why should he feel guilty for his career on only one lousy day?

That night, RJ couldn't sleep. He climbed out of his chair and walked towards the middle of his area, deciding on if he should go to the log to see if anyone else was awake, or just mill about until he was tired. He thought it amusing that raccoons didn't build their own dens, but relied on nature or other animals to do it for them. How it all played out just like his instincts said it would.  
A rustling in the bushes caught his attention. It was a rabbit, like the ones printed on his chair, only whole and living.  
"Hello RJ!" the rabbit greeted.  
"Uh, hi…" RJ responded, confused, giving a slight wave with his fingers.  
"I'm here to show you something. Come watch!" the rabbit waved his arm to gesture to follow him.  
RJ turned to follow the rabbit, finding himself wondering why he would play along in the first place. As he walked he noticed the area around him seemed to change. Change to familiar surroundings.  
"There." The rabbit pointed, and RJ glanced up to see a mint green truck that read "Weed Hacker Inc." on the side in white letters.  
"No…" RJ remembered the name. When he used the incident as a sob story, he said he had a family of his own. But that was far from the truth. But it made things easier when everyone thought Weed Hacker was a garden tool.  
"They're the company that would soon become Verm-Tech in this neighborhood. Apparently they were closed down because of inhumane actions towards animals or something." The rabbit explained.  
RJ was too busy watching the employees from the truck load a cage into the back. He ran to get a closer look, and saw his younger self crying his heart out, managing to hide and save himself, at the command of his mother.

His mother….

"Why are you showing me this?!" RJ asked in a furious tone. He didn't want to witness this again. It was bad enough remembering it.  
"Admission is the first step to recovery. To fix the problem you must first know what caused it. After this incident, Christmas became nothing but a bad memory to you. You became shallow and materialistic, wanting or taking everything you could just so you can enjoy the holiday without incident. But deep down, you knew all your philosophies and greed were just a mask." The rabbit elaborated by tapping the mask around RJ's eyes with a finger.  
"I don't need this!" RJ snarled, shoving the rabbit's arm away.  
"Surely you learned something!" the rabbit pleaded.  
"Yeah, now I got more of a reason to lie to my family so I don't ruin their good time. Great job!" RJ gave a sarcastic thumbs up.

RJ's eyes flew open, glancing around to see that he was in his chair and nothing was out of place. It was just a strange dream. Maybe a sign of sorts.  
After feeling his body for any obscurities, he settled down into his chair and let out a weighty sigh, watching the vapor cloud disappear like it was a ghost.  
"Nah.." RJ convinced himself. It wasn't any warning. Probably bad Eggnog or something. He lolled his head to the side and saw the face of the rabbit printed on his chair, smiling.  
"What are you laughing at?"


	3. Guilt Tripping

The raid on the Smith's house went according to plan. As always, before any successful raid, RJ had laid out the plan with his Monopoly board and pieces just to make sure everyone was on the same page. Then he would ask Verne for any suggestions or objections, since he was the actual leader.  
RJ never saw himself as head of the family. That was Vern's job. He saw himself as more of the military strategist that helped the others though the plans.  
Of course, Verne had the usual objections that RJ had come to expect. Christmas, blah, blah blah. Not right, blah, blah, blah. RJ had enough respect to listen, but didn't really care. As he had stated before, why feel guilty about his job on one day of the year? And besides, this was his life now. It helped to fill the void on Christmas that the rabbit of his dreams so callously brought back into the front of his mind. He wanted to forget the incident entirely, but now he knew it was impossible.  
RJ soon realized that he was too lost in his own thoughts to actually pay attention to Verne. He snapped from his memories long enough to flash a fake, fang-filled smile and satisfy Verne.  
Verne eyed RJ suspiciously again, but only sighed. "You didn't hear me, did you?"  
"Yes I did," RJ quickly lied. "But you should know by now that this isn't the movies! Love doesn't always conquer all, and humans have so much stuff that they wouldn't miss what we do take!"  
"But RJ, not all humans are that fortunate!"  
"If that was the case, they couldn't afford to live here now could they?" RJ quipped, hefting his child sized golf bag onto his shoulder.  
Verne gave up and walked off, grumbling.  
"That's Verne for you. Verne the Christmas Killjoy!"

_Verne the Christmas Killjoy  
He won't let you have a toy  
He's a naughty little boy  
Verne the Christmas Killjoy_

RJ chuckled to himself. He prided his ability to make up songs on the fly. And given his current mood, he needed to cheer up.

Now, here they were, standing outside the sprawling, split-level home, awaiting RJ's orders. Hammy was tasked with finding and shutting off the security system, as always. He'd gotten so good at his job that it took mere seconds before the others were successfully inside. RJ patted Hammy on the head as they strolled in, confessing that he would be lost without the squirrel's amazing talent.  
Once inside, they spread out, knowing that no one should be home. RJ ran through the kitchen to check other probable hiding areas he'd come to find food in. These included pantries, closets, and sometimes even the basement if the homeowner was paranoid enough. In his quest, he managed to look through the glass patio door and see a decent sized pool. It had been awhile since he'd last had a good swim, and the water did look inviting despite the obvious ice forming on the top. He would have to make a mental note of this place to check out in the summer.  
He looked back to make sure everyone else was occupied, and took this opportunity for more gift-gathering. He already had Verne's lined up, and knew Hammy's was prepared, but he needed everyone else. RJ scanned the bookcase nearby for no apparent reason and stumbled across a collected volume of Shakespeare. He knew who the guy was, but wasn't as familiar with the bard as Ozzie. He took the book, which must've been really small print due to its size, and placed it into his bag. He then darted up the stairs to the kids rooms, hoping to find something for the triplet porcupettes that he had come to be a sort of an adopted uncle too.  
He zipped into the first room, which was obviously the sons judging by the posters and stereo equipment. He rummaged around and found a copy of Auto Homicide 4 for the game system that the kids had. He smiled, knowing that Penny and Lou would beat him silly for giving something like this to the kids. But it was Christmas, he'd get over it.

Tossing the game in his bag, he made his way past the parents room, and froze when he heard voices. He pressed his ear up to the door, making sure the coast was clear.  
And he could hear faint sobbing.

RJ peered into the crack the door left, as it wasn't fully closed, and saw a teenage boy. He looked old enough to be home alone, and he was holding a picture frame."I whish you were here, mom." The kid sniffed, before finally crying again.  
RJ suddenly felt like that guy he watched get his heart ripped out when he was playing that fighting game with the triplets. Of all things to coincide with, why did it have to be his memory?  
The raccoon felt on the verge of crying on his own, and slunk off to meet the others, whom he knew should've been finished by now. He descended the stairs, and plastered on a smile before rounding the corner to meet the others.  
"There you are, RJ! We're all ready! Let's get out of here!" Verne commanded.  
RJ only nodded, afraid that if he tried to speak he'd give away his emotions.

Back at the log, everyone began unloading the wagon that Tiger had been hitched too. He had proved his usefulness time and again, as everyone suspected a cat to stroll the neighborhood every now and again. And it seemed that everyone knew of the arrest of his owner as well. Rumors seemed to spread like wildfire when the news got out, and a new president was quickly elected. Though she was just as strict, she wasn't as bad as Gladys was.  
RJ didn't say a word the entire time. Verne was wry of what was going on, but Hammy seemed genuinely concerned about the condition of his friend. He'd taken a sort of fondness towards him, and hated to see him upset."What's wrong, RJ?" Hammy finally asked, placing a hand on the raccoon's shoulder.  
RJ glanced down at the squirrel's innocent eyes, full of worry and concern. He let out a weighty sigh.  
"Nothing…nothing's wrong…" he lied, feeling real bad for doing that. Hammy deserved to know, but not when everyone else was around.  
"Oh." Hammy said, removing his hand from RJ's shoulder. His ears flattened to his head as his face registered defeat.  
"I'll tell you later.." RJ winked a the squirrel, whose attitude instantly changed. He nodded furiously and was back to his job in no time.  
RJ smiled, knowing that if he could confide in anyone, it would be Hammy.


	4. Ghost of Christmas Present

That night, RJ walked though the trees and admired the stars. He decided on no sleep tonight, as the last dream he had was too weird. That and combined with the sight of the boy crying for his lost mother almost pushed RJ to the edge. Normally he was a smooth operator with a cool head in any situation. Well, any situation except when Vincent had him on the menu. That was the first time RJ actually felt genuine fear. And the first time he felt actual love and admiration when he met the family. Now here he was, trying to return the favor by enlightening the family to the joys of Christmas, and he himself couldn't enjoy it. What biter irony it was.

When he got to a spot in the clearing, he heard faint singing…

…_Jingle Bells  
Jingle Bells  
Jingle all the way  
Oh what fun it is to ride  
With cookies in the sleigh…_

There wasn't a doubt in his mind that was Hammy. RJ was relieved that someone else, especially Hammy, was awake to confide in. After all, he made a promise to do so.  
Even though Hammy may seem hyper and crazy, he's smarter than anyone would give him credit for. Perhaps there was a reason for his behavior masking his intelligence. Who knew for sure?  
RJ followed the singing until he found where Hammy was sitting.

_…Jingle Bells  
Jingle Bells  
Though the hedge and trees  
Oh what fun it is to ride  
And burp my ABCs!..._

"You make that up all by yourself?" RJ asked, making Hammy snap his head towards the raccoon with a look of surprise.  
"Oh, hi RJ!" Hammy chirped, always his hyper self. He stayed up just for this moment, relishing the fact that RJ would trust him enough to open up too. He understood why RJ didn't want to talk to Verne, because it would only make his preaching worse, and RJ didn't want that.  
"Can I…talk to you…?" RJ asked, feeling uneasy. But he knew he shouldn't.  
"Sure!" Hammy replied happily, as he scooted over on the small log so RJ could sit next to him.  
"Well…I had this strange dream last night. A rabbit was showing me my past and how I came to be a loner. It was painful to watch."  
"What do you mean?" Hammy asked, showing genuine concern.  
"Well, I was so determined to celebrate Christmas with you guys, my family, that I didn't want to ruin your good time with my attitude. So I laid on the holiday cheer extra thick so you would be convinced I was having a good time, and be happy."  
"What's your attitude then?"  
"To be honest…I hate Christmas. After that rabbit showed me my past, I hate it more than ever."  
RJ rested his head against a nearby tree, closed his eyes, and sighed.  
"It was around this time that my mother got taken away. Every year I think of what I lost so much, that I don't care how happy everyone else is. To me, Christmas is about what I lost, not what I will gain. And getting her back is a gift that remains unfulfilled. That's why I act so shallow and materialistic, because in my little mind, all the things I gather would somehow fill that void. Then, when we were at the Smith's house, I saw a boy missing his mother too, and it brought those memories back again. That's why I was so silent earlier as I didn't know what to say, or how to say it. Now, here I am, trying to make sure you all have a good time, and I can't even enjoy it. It's almost like a punishment for something I did in my life."  
RJ scoffed at the notion as if he didn't believe it, but both knew he did.  
He glanced up when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and saw Hammy looking at him with a surprising amount of understanding in his eyes.  
"You may not have _your_ family anymore, but you have _a_ family who loves you just the same." Hammy said in a serious tone. "And you've got me." He added, almost an afterthought.  
RJ smiled at the surprisingly smart observation, and felt better. Who cared if he had a brain the size of a walnut? He was the best friend a guy could have.  
"Thanks Hammy." He sighed, hugging the squirrel close, trying not to cry.  
"I've always respected you RJ, and seeing you down makes me sad, which makes you feel worse. You said you wanted to do Christmas right, so buck up and do it!"  
RJ nodded. "I will. Thank you." He smiled at his best friend.  
Hammy kissed RJ then sped off giggling, leaving the smiling raccoon to his own devices. RJ couldn't help but sing his own song, one he had heard on the radio.

_…I didn't know this, but I notice when you're smiling  
Out in the sun, having fun and feeling free  
And I can tell you know how hard this life can be  
But you keep on smiling for me…_

RJ walked back to his area, now comforted by his "ghost" of Christmas Present.  
But then that analogy brought up memories of that certain story. RJ's face turned grim as he realized that no matter what the incarnation or spin, there was always three "ghosts" in that infamous story. Judging by his encounters, he had one more to go.  
He found himself wondering what the future would hold…


	5. Lost In The Supercenter

RJ spent most of next morning mulling over in his head about the latest plan. He wanted to score some more Christmas decorations, and figured the only way Verne would agree was to make it seem like some sort of meaningful event that would have some sort of symbolism to his beliefs of fighting against the commercial machine that dominates the true meaning of Christmas.The only way to do that was to do something big, something really big that would impact the whole neighborhood.  
Plus it would help to take his mind off things he didn't want to think about anymore.  
With a deep breath, he approached his area, where everyone was gathered around the tree, and humorously learning Jingle Bells from Hammy. The belching didn't help matters, and soon everyone was rolling from laughter, even Verne.  
Now was the time to strike, while he was softened up. RJ moved quickly to the laughing turtle and went over his speech one more time before he finally spoke up.  
"Hey Verne, can I talk to you for a second?"  
Verne gasped for air, then returned to his normal self, though still a bit giggly. "About what?"  
"Well I've been thinking about what you said about Christmas being a big commercial, and the true meaning of it being lost and all of that."  
"Yeah?" Verne cocked an eyebrow, feeling his tail tingling.  
"I've come up with a plan that will fulfill both our needs!" RJ announced.  
"Really?" Verne was unconvinced.  
"The best way to get what I want, AND to fight commercial consumerism is to strike at the intersection where those two beliefs meet!" RJ explained, using his hands to illustrate.  
"And that is?"  
"There's a new Wal-Mart in town! Huge place with everything you can imagine! Including Christmas stuff! We rob that place, we'll topple the commercial empire that's slowly destroying Christmas!"  
Verne was so taken aback he almost landed on his shell. "Are you insane?! I'm glad you're finally starting to see things my way, but shoplifting? On Christmas?! RJ, have you no shame?!"  
RJ rolled his eyes, as he knew this would happen. "It's no different than the stuff we take from the humans' houses. Besides, I thought you liked your sunlamp and shell buffer." RJ smirked, knowing that Verne would contradict himself if he tried to retaliate.  
"Okay.." Verne grumbled.  
"Good!" RJ clasped his paws together. "We start in a few hours, I got to make sure everything is ready so we don't mess up!"

After a few hours, the wagon was ready, and RJ had it all planned out how to sneak into the front doors. He explained that the doors were "automatic" and would only open if enough weight was on the mat in front of it. So they all had to stand on the mat to open the door.  
After they made it inside, they instantly sought shelter so the humans wouldn't spot them. The place was huge, with anything you can imagine strung wall to wall. The Christmas motif dominated obviously, as evidenced by the many fake trees, lots of sales, and the pervasive images of Santa and the typical "winter wonderland" promoting said savings. RJ knew he would score here, finally finishing his gift list for the others of the family, and getting some more decorations for his little "room".  
"Okay, everyone know their roles?" RJ asked, getting nods from the rest. RJ then pulled Hammy aside and handed him a folded piece of paper.  
"Grab these items for me, would ya?" he whispered in the squirrel's ear, then gave a wink. Hammy winked back, promising he wouldn't ruin the surprises.  
"Now let's split up and raid like we've never raided before!" RJ commanded, pumping his fist into the air.  
Everyone broke off into their own roles, but Verne stayed behind.  
"RJ, this is going too far!" he finally spoke up about the feelings he had ever sense they made it inside.  
"Nonsense! We're striking at the heart of commercialism!"  
"No, we're fulfilling your greedy desires! Shoplifting! I thought you were better than that!"  
"Verne! Please! You don't understand what's going through my mind right now, and I seriously do want everyone to have a good time!"  
"By getting them to rob a store of their merchandise? You haven't changed one bit! You're still the same smooth talking, deceitful, con man you were when we first met you!"  
Those words hurt RJ, and he walked off in a huff, leaving Verne to reconsider what he said.

Hammy darted around with the list clutched tightly so he wouldn't lose it. He looked it over.  
"Let's see, RJ still needs Heather, Penny and Lou, and Stella and Tiger."  
Then he noticed something.  
"I'm not on the list! How could he forget about me?" he began to cry. Then he noticed a small note to flip the list over. He did so and saw a message that comforted him.  
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU!  
"Am I that predictable?" Hammy asked himself, wondering how RJ knew to write that.

The rest of the day was spent stocking up on things from the gigantic store. Even though RJ and Verne didn't say a word to each other throughout the entire operation, they managed to get the job done.  
"Hammy, tell Verne that we're probably going to need a cart to carry all this stuff." RJ snorted.  
Hammy turned his head to relay the message to Verne, who only nodded before the squirrel could speak.  
"I heard him. Tell RJ that even though he's not speaking to me, doesn't mean I can't hear his selfishness."  
Hammy turned his head again to relay the message to RJ, only to be met with his angry glare directed at Verne, not him.  
"Why are you guys fighting? It's Christmas?" Hammy asked innocently.  
Neither of them responded, causing Hammy to blink back tears of disappointment.  
"Where's that cart?" RJ yelled deliberately so Verne could hear.  
"Alright, I'll get it!" Verne snapped. As he turned to walk off, his leg caught the garden hose that was coiled up nearby on the shelf they were standing on. It jerked hard enough to rock the shelf violently, causing RJ and Hammy to fall off and hit the ground.  
Just as RJ tried to pick himself up, a metal pail landed right on his head, knocking him out.  
"RJ's going to be mad when he wakes up." Hammy said solemnly, looking at the now distraught Verne.


	6. Fall Out To The Future

RJ began having weird dreams. One of which was actually of his father, whom he barely knew. Actually it was him that learned RJ the ways of the humans, though the observations might be slightly biased given some of the things they've seen.  
He vividly remembered standing outside a restaurant with his father, observing the behavior patterns if the human. After all, RJ had to know what they were capable of, especially if he wanted to survive. What he saw didn't impress him though.

_Son, look at all the people in this restaurant  
How much do you think they weigh?  
And out the window to the parking lot  
At their SUV's taking up all the space_

_They just don't care_

_They talk as loud as they want  
They just don't care_

_Just as long as there's enough for them_

For some strange reason, RJ felt this dream was trying to tell him something. But what could it mean?

_Wanna get on the microphone down at Wal-Mart  
Talk about some things that's been on my mind  
Talk of the state of this great nation of ours  
People look to your left  
Yeah, look to your right_

_They just don't care  
They buy as much as they want  
They just don't care_

_Just as long as there's enough for them_

Of course, he was learning the greed of humans! Then he began to realize that this dream was no coincidence, it was trying to enlighten him into what he was becoming.

_Son, look at the people lining up for plastic  
Wouldn't you like to see them in the National Geographic?  
Squatting in the dirt eating rice from a bowl  
With a towel on their head, and maybe a bone in their nose_

_See that jerk with the peace sign on his license plate?  
Giving the other guy the finger and running him out of his lane  
God made us number one because he loves us the best  
Well he should go bless someone else for a while  
Give us a rest_

_(They give no)  
Yeah, and everyone can see  
(They give no)  
We've eaten all that we can eat_

"RJ, yoo-hoo?" A high pitched voice sang into his ear. RJ forced his eyes open, despite the pain, and saw Hammy looking at him with concern. He gave a faint smile and tried to pull himself up, with help from Hammy.  
RJ angrily dusted himself off and shot daggers at Vern. If he wasn't so afraid, Vern may have pulled his head into his shell to avoid the death gaze.  
"It…it was an accident…" Verne tried to explain.  
RJ walked right up to the turtle and looked him in the eye. "I don't care if it was an accident! This has officially ended our friendship!" he asserted, waving his paw in a chopping motion through the air.  
"But.." was all Verne could muster as RJ turned and stormed out of the store. He didn't care if anyone saw him now, the plan was ruined. And he had a headache.  
Everyone else looked in disbelief at Verne. Hammy looked at Verne then towards RJ, then back at Verne, before deciding to run off and try and talk to his friend.

Outside, Hammy finally caught up with RJ, who was walking at a pretty fast speed.  
"Is everything okay? You should get your head looked at, I mean that sounded like it hurt."  
RJ didn't say anything.  
"C'mon, RJ! Verne didn't mean it! I don't like seeing you upset!"  
Nothing.  
"If you won't talk to anyone else, please talk to me." Hammy pleaded.  
Hammy stopped and watched RJ walk off. After thinking of what to say, he caught back up.  
"If you're not good, Santa won't bring you what you want this year!" he said in a joking manner, hoping that would cheer RJ up.  
RJ stopped and looked at Hammy, but he wasn't smiling.  
"Let me tell you something! What I want for Christmas is never going to happen! I tried to hide my feelings and make sure everyone else had a good time, but then it all goes down hill and Verne tries to kill me! Now all these emotions that I'm trying to hide are starting to resurface, and Verne isn't helping my mood any!"

Hammy was taken aback by the raccoon's tirade.  
"But…you said you get everything you want…" he started to cry, upset that his friend would yell at him like that.  
"News flash, Hamilton! There's no such thing as Santa! There, I said it! If everyone else is going to kill my vibe, I might as well kill there's too!"RJ stormed off, the last words he spoke made Hammy collapse to the ground and cry.

"Christmas is canceled…"

RJ didn't even bother to wait for the others. He was already back at the hedge as everyone else came back. RJ instantly looked away when he saw them approaching. After a few more harsh words towards Verne, RJ stormed off to bed.  
It's always a bad idea to go to bed angry.

RJ woke up when he felt a cold chill down his spine. His eyes adjusted to the darkness enough to allow him to see that some sort of fog had set in around the area. Which was strange, since it wasn't warm or wet enough to warrant fog.  
Another thing he noticed, was that his breathing had become more paniked, as evidence by the rapid breaths of vapor coming from his mouth, as raccoons pant, not sweat.  
He was afraid but didn't know what it was that had him so scared. Every instinct in his body, natural and otherwise, told him not to explore any further. Yet his body seemed out of his control as he explored the foggy surroundings.  
Something moved out of the corner of his eye. He snapped his head towards it and saw nothing.  
Then it moved again, causing RJ to look to the left. Nothing there.  
"Whose there?" RJ asked the darkness, growing angry. "If that's you Verne, so help me!"  
Finally the figure emerged to reveal itself, it wore a cloak and was about the height of RJ. This caused him to back up and hit something behind him, blocking his retreat.  
Who are you?" RJ asked a cloaked figure before him. "What do you want?"  
The cloaked figure only pointed into the nothingness, and RJ followed the bony finger's path to find himself face to face with a headstone that he just now realized he was leaning against.

"Here lies RJ. He was born alone, and died alone." Read the epitaph.

RJ looked back at the figure. "Is this my fate? To die alone?" he could feel the fear making his voice quiver.  
The figure only nodded.  
"I'm sorry! OKAY?!" he bawled. But the figure only shook its head once more, and the ground beneath the sniveling raccoon ripped open to cast him into the fiery depths.  
"Hello RJ!" an all too familiar voice welcomed. "I always knew you were just like me!"  
RJ cringed at the voice and turned to see Vincent, in all his massive glory, standing before him.  
This was his hell…

"Vincent? But….how?" RJ asked, confused as to how the bear could be his spirit guide to the future.  
"Let's just say, that my attempt to escape and seek revenge on you didn't go as planned. Now where was I? Oh yeah!"  
Vincent picked RJ up by the head, like he had done many times before. "I'm here to show you what a lying, cheating, scumbag you really are! Watch yourself, I like my job!"  
RJ swallowed hard. He suddenly found himself looking at the suburban neighborhood, only it looked bigger.  
"After you're falling out with the squirrel and the turtle, you were cast from the family, doomed to live on your own once again." Vincent began.  
RJ could see a figure dash towards a trashcan, only to knock it over loudly and be chased off. He gasped in horror as he realized the figure was a disheveled raccoon…

It was himself…

"Because you gotten so used to family life, you forgot the necessary things to survive on your own. You started making mistakes…"  
The future RJ was hit with a broom several times before he staggered off."…and getting caught. That and…well…" Vincent smiled, motioning for RJ to take a closer look at himself. He did so, and found this raccoon, this future representation of himself, was foaming at the mouth, a wild look in his eye.  
"No…" RJ managed to croak before Vincent grabbed him up by his tail.

"It gets better! Too bad I wasn't here to enjoy it! Well, I guess you can say I technically was!" Vincent smiled a smile that RJ never seen before, one that made him cringe. The bear forced the raccoon's head around to watch the unfolding scene. The rabid RJ wandered out into the street absently mindedly. The oncoming SUV…  
RJ fell to his knees and covered his eyes, hearing the sickening sound. He swore he could hear Vincent chuckle. He didn't dare take his paws off his eyes, for fear of the scene before him as a precursor of what's to come.  
Before RJ could say or do anything, he felt the ground give way. And these final words echoed in RJ's mind.  
"Now you're mine for eternity!"

RJ woke up screaming, finding that it was all just a nightmare. He looked around at the area, dimly lit by the lights of the tree nearby. He noticed he had fallen asleep with the television on, one of the many versions of "A Christmas Carol" inadvertently providing the dialogue for his subconscious mind.

He slumped back into his chair and slid down a bit, breathing a heavy sigh.  
_I never went to Hell…_

His ears snapped erect, and his eyes became alert to his surroundings….  
_But just to be sure…_

RJ crept to the log to make sure everyone else was there. As he walked past the tree he noticed a few presents already piling under it. This brought a smile to the raccoon's uneasy face.  
He peered through a bush and saw everyone else was asleep within the log. He breathed a sigh of relief, and, if only for a second, thought what the dream could mean.


	7. It's A Wonderful Hedge

The morning came, albeit too early for RJ, who couldn't get a wink of sleep after that eventful nightmare. He had all night to think about the symbolism, the hidden meanings, and anything else he could dissect from his mind. And just as he was about to confess his change in attitude, he got the bad news.  
Hammy was missing…  
It was the words RJ dreaded the most, hoping to never hear. Yet, somehow, he found his reaction to the news seemed as if he had expected it to happen.  
"Any idea, or clues where he went?" RJ asked, feeling his voice starting to disappear amidst the guilt.  
"Oh, so now you're talking to me?" Verne asked, folding his arms.  
"Look Verne, I'm sorry for what I said back there. I just had a lot of things on my mind, and nothing was going as I had hoped, and…"  
RJ sighed. "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it wasn't fair of me to take my anger out on you."  
Verne nodded in acceptance. "Apology accepted."  
"I guess now is a bad time to say that I'm the one who upset Hammy." RJ said, rubbing his arm in embarrassment.  
"WHAT?" Verne screamed.  
"I'm going to make it right! I…just…need to find…him…" RJ trailed off at the defeat of his own words.RJ walked off before anyone could say anything else. Now it was his duty to find Hammy.

After what felt like hours of endless searching, he began to lose faith. He looked in every branch, tree trunk, backyard, front yard, and then some.  
Defeated and tired, RJ trudged to the last house of the block he was on.No dice, Hammy wasn't there either.  
"It's hopeless. For all I know he could be hurt, or worse. And it's my fault."  
RJ collapsed to his knees and put his face in his paws. "Vincent's right! I'm going to make that future come true, and be his for all eternity!"  
"Maybe I shouldn't have ever gotten myself involved with them."  
"Don't say that." A sweet voice, almost like music, called to him. RJ snapped his head up, his ears searching for the source as he looked about.  
"Whose there?"  
"Look beyond the hedge." The voice replied.  
RJ walked back to the hedge and peered through it, not really sure why he was humoring this voice. But what he saw made him reconsider.

The log was gone, in its place a patch of dead grass. The suburban sprawl had finally reached their piece of paradise and consumed it into its concrete maw. The family was gone too.  
"What is this?" RJ asked, confused and afraid.  
"If you would've never met them, they would've never known the benefits of what lied over the hedge. They would barely scrape enough food for winter, and those that did survive through hibernation were lucky."  
"You mean…?"  
"Since they didn't go to the neighborhood beyond the hedge, the humans didn't know of their presence. You only kept your home because some people in the area wanted to save it. But because no one knew it existed, it was obliterated in the sprawl. The ones that remained made a pilgrimage to a new home, but not everyone would make it."  
RJ felt like someone was behind him, and turned to see no one. No one except a familiar orange form lying in the road.

"NO!" RJ cried falling to the ground like someone had just sucker punched him in the gut.

"no…"

"Despite all the bad things you've done in the past, you've more than redeemed yourself. Now your family needs you more than ever."RJ looked up at the sky as a thought came over him. Only one person he knew could give that sage of advice.  
"Mom…?" he whispered.  
But the voice didn't answer. RJ suddenly felt warm and comfortable as everything began to oddly swirl around like it was going down a drain.

"RJ! RJ WAKE UP!" a voice cried, shaking the raccoon roughly.  
RJ snapped awake, completely unaware of falling asleep. Maybe it was all a dream after all…  
"What's up?" RJ asked, rubbing his eyes, and found he was looking at Verne.  
"HAMMY'S MISSING!" Verne began to panic.

_Whoa Déjà vu…_RJ thought to himself as he felt his hopes sink, dragging his heart along with them.

"Any idea of where he went?" RJ asked as he glanced up, knowing the answer.  
Verne only shook his head.  
"I'll go find him." RJ said solemnly as he picked himself up. "After all, it's probably my fault…"  
Before Verne could say anything, RJ was gone, silently hoping that his search in real life would go better than his dream.

After a few hours of searching, RJ came upon a house that was just now decorated, as he remembered from previous raids that this particular house didn't have any decorations before.  
As he walked around to the backyard he stumbled upon a nativity scene. So grand was the size and detail that RJ swore the people would start moving.

And there, in a manger of hay, was a doll. Even though it was inanimate, RJ felt as if the doll was somehow speaking to him. It's lifeless stare actually sending a message of hope to the failing raccoon.

RJ dropped to his knees, closed his eyes, and prayed.

"RJ!" a voice cried, almost as if his prayers have been answered. RJ snapped his head around to see a blur of orange rush at him and knock him backwards into the fresh snow.  
"Hammy! You've had everyone worried! Where did you go?!" RJ asked, not realizing he was hugging the squirrel so tight that he couldn't answer.  
"I was out getting a gift for you!" he managed to gasp out.  
RJ let go of Hammy and looked at him for a moment. Their gaze was broken when Hammy held up his hand, holding a golden chain.  
"What's this?" RJ asked, carefully taking the locket from the squirrel.

"Open it." Hammy whispered.

RJ did, and what he saw he couldn't believe. The small picture of him and his mother that he had kept so close was now in it's rightful place.  
"Where did you find this?" RJ asked, wiping away a tear.  
"In one of the pockets of your bag, when I was hiding Verne's present." Hammy said with a smile. "I was hoping for a chance to get it done. Sorry to make you worry." He said, his gaze drooping to the ground. "After you yelled at me outside that big store, I knew I had to cheer you up, so I didn't come back with the others."  
"I'm sorry I yelled at you Hamster!" RJ said, grabbing Hammy once again and giving him a playful noogie.  
"What's that?!" Hammy gasped, seeing the Nativity Scene behind RJ.  
"That, my friend….is Christmas!" RJ replied with certainty, almost as if telling himself more than anyone.The silence was broken when Hammy piped up.  
"We should get home…"  
"Yeah." RJ said, his smile wider than ever.


	8. Mysterious Benefactor?

RJ and Hammy arrived at the hedge a little bit before nightfall. Everyone clamored around Hammy like he had been missing for years, and Verne gave a knowing nod that everything was okay.  
"Where did you go?" Heather asked.  
"We were worried sick about you!" Stella scolded, putting her hands on her hips.  
"I'm sorry…but I was getting RJ his present from me!" Hammy piped up, showing everyone what he had given RJ. Everyone oohed and ahhed at the picture inside, and RJ finally decided to come clean about what was bugging him.  
"It's understandable to miss loved ones on such a holiday. If I knew sooner, I wouldn't have been so hard on you." Verne confessed, glancing away in embarrassment.  
"It's cool, Verne. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, Hammy, or anyone else. It's me who should apologize."  
"Well since we're all here, why not go ahead and open the presents?" Stella asked.  
"Yeah, Christmas is tomorrow anyway!" Heather added.  
RJ shrugged. "Why not? But hold on, okay?"

He pulled Hammy aside and asked where he hid all the presents. Hammy thought for a moment then told him. RJ nodded and sped off, leaving Hammy to stall.  
"So, uh, who wants to sing Jingle Bells?" Hammy asked.  
"What's going on now?" Stella asked, growing impatient. She got her answer, as did everyone else, as RJ came back into the clearing pulling a wagon filled with gifts. He began handing them out.  
Verne got his Turtle Wax, the best kind too.

Stella got some kind of perfume, which, after some explaining, she enjoyed it.

Tiger got a scratching post, like the one he had back home.

Bucky, Quillo, and Spike got their video game, much to the dismay of the parents. But RJ was prepared, and gave them a map with directions to a small clearing where he and Hammy had set up a dinner for them away from the kids and everyone else. It had been there a good while, and RJ was surprised no one noticed the table and chairs sooner.

Ozzie got his Shakespeare book, to which he promptly started acting from.

Heather got a few more CDs for her collection, including one that was done by a Japanese woman named Boa, which RJ thought was interesting.

"What about me?" Hammy asked, feeling left out.

RJ put a paw on top of Hammy's head and turned him in the right direction, then told him to start running. Hammy did so, faster than usual, and everyone else followed.  
Hammy ran right into a giant gift basket, well giant compared to him. It was full of some of his nuts, cans of other nuts, cookies of all shapes and sizes, a few candy canes, and even a six pack of soda.  
Hammy was surprised by the soda. "For me?" he asked, looking like he was about to weep with joy.  
RJ nodded. "Just don't drink all of them in one day." He chuckled.  
Hammy nodded and began sipping form one of the cans already.

"Well, shoot. Now we feel bad because we didn't get you anything!" Stella said.  
"You don't have to! You guys are the greatest gift I could ever get, it just took me a while to realize that. Sometimes I think I don't deserve you." RJ said, looking away from everyone as if ashamed to admit that fact.  
Hammy dove off the basket handle and landed on RJ. He leapt off and helped the raccoon back to his feet. "Don't be like that! We're glad you came along!"  
"Yeah, who knows how boring our lives would be if we didn't meet you!" Heather laughed.

RJ laughed uneasily, dreading to think of what he saw in his dream.  
Everyone walked back to the clearing to the tree and began handing presents to each other as RJ watched them. It brought back so many memories, but this time they were the good kind.

"Hey RJ! There's one for you after all!" Verne called from the crowd.

RJ walked up to the tree, confused. Hammy already gave him his gift, and everyone else admitted to not getting him anything.  
It was a decent sized box, covered in colorful paper. RJ looked at the crowd, and could tell by the intent looks on their faces, they were just as confused about the situation as he was.  
RJ slowly opened the box, not knowing what to expect. The tag read from Santa, so he figured it was someone in the family.  
What he got, was a box of Double Stuffed Twinkies, a big box with 24 in it. RJ couldn't believe it, and neither could the rest of the family.

"If you guys didn't do this…then who…?"

As everyone moved in for a group hug, RJ swore he heard sleigh bells in the distance, and smiled.  
He was a good boy after all….

Later on, at a smaller log, Verne and RJ were sitting and talking.  
"So I gather you learned something from all this?" Verne asked.  
"Yeah, Double Stuffed Twinkies are the best!" RJ exclaimed.  
"No, I mean about family and the true spirit of Christmas." Verne said, narrowing his eyes at the raccoon.  
"You still on that kick?" RJ asked playfully.  
"You know exactly what I mean!" Verne wasn't in the mood for playing.  
"Yeah, don't have Hammy hide your presents! You'd be lucky to find them!" RJ smiled. He knew the lesson to be learned he just liked messing with Verne.  
Verne didn't reply. He only nodded in silent approval that they were friends again. RJ didn't say anymore either, as he was too busy smiling at the small picture in the locket. Then he noticed something he didn't see before. There was a hinge on the locket, and the picture could be flipped over. He turned the image as if it were a page in a book, and found another picture on the other side. This one of him and Hammy goofing around for the camera.

"Past, and present. What a smart kid." RJ muttered to himself.

"What?" Verne asked.  
"Nothing." RJ replied looking back at the image. "Nothing."

_Special Thanks to Tortured Artist for his helpful feedback during the numerous drafts this story went through._

_  
Have a Merry Christmas everyone!_


End file.
